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PAL Application Form Written as a Letter (Humour)

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TheGunBlog.ca — Canadians need a licence authorized by the federal police to legally buy, sell, own or transport any gun, and to buy ammunition. Here’s a humorous take on what a licence application might say if it were written as a letter.

Dear Federal Police,

I’d like to please request your permission to own firearms.

I know you won’t allow me to carry loaded guns for protection and safety like you do, but I hope you’ll authorize me to have them for hunting, recreation and sport, or for a collection.

I have invested hundreds of dollars and a few days of my life to take your courses and pass your tests, namely the Canadian Firearms Safety Course and the Canadian Restricted Firearms Safety Course. The exam results are attached. (Safety Training Certification)

Now I would like to please ask you to investigate me and track me. (Background Check, Licensing)

Please find enclosed my personal information, including my name, birth date, birthplace, sex, eye colour, height and address, plus a professional photo of myself so you can easily identify me anytime. (Personal Information)

I want you to know about my love life. (Conjugal Status)

I am sharing the name of the person I love the most in the world and how long we have lived together. My spouse is eager to share their feelings with you, so I’m including their contact details as well. (Information About Current Conjugal Partner)

I am sharing the names, addresses and contact info of my recent exes. Some people think that after a breakup, each party should be allowed to live their lives separately and privately. But not us. We hadn’t spoken in a couple years, so it was nice to reconnect and tell them to expect a call from the federal police. It was also fun to share my new activity, which they hate. Please ask them how they feel about me now. (Information About Former Conjugal Partner)

I am sharing info on my job losses and medical history. I hope it’s OK that I’m not a pharmacist and don’t know any police officers. I keep seeing on the news that some people who have guns also sell drugs and are known to police. (Personal History)

(I guess they have advanced licences or are members of a special club. They carry, transport and discharge firearms in places that would be off limits to me, and they use targets that would be illegal for me. Some of them even have firearms and other gear that are banned for me. It’s nice to be given extra privileges.)

I am sharing the names and addresses of the people I trust the most in the world. (References, Photo Guarantor)

You now have more private information about me than my spouse, my parents, my doctor and my lawyer.

I give you permission to share all my info as you see fit.

Please find enclosed a cheque for your troubles.

By the way …

To maintain the privilege of firearm ownership if you grant me that privilege, I also please ask you to enter my personal details into your database of criminals and suspects (Canadian Police Information Centre), run a background check on me every day (Continuous Eligibility Screening), and charge me a special tax every five years (Licence Renewal Fee).

I know I’m not allowed to ever buy certain firearms without special permission from you (“Restricted” and “Prohibited”). I know that you might not let me own those firearms unless I also join a shooting club at a cost of hundreds of dollars a year. If I ever do want to buy any, I will ask you to please register all details about me, the firearm, the date I bought it and who I bought it from. (Transfer, Registration)

Please keep this information handy in case you ever want to ban and confiscate my firearms, even after I die. I’ve always wanted to be a grandfather.

I agree to invest hundreds or thousands of dollars on special equipment to store and transport my firearms the way you want me to, and to make it almost impossible for me to ever use them for protection or defence. (Trigger Locks, Gun Cases, Gun Safes) I wouldn’t want my privileges to infringe on an attacker’s rights.

You and your colleagues are welcome to visit me almost any time to inspect my home. (Warrantless Inspection)

For greater certainty, I realize that you can send me to prison if any of the following occur:

  • I forget to renew my permission licence within five years.
  • I change address and forget to tell you within 30 days.
  • I pick up or drop off a shooting buddy or buy a sandwich on my way to or from the handgun range. (Must follow a route that is “reasonably direct.”)
  • I store my firearms and ammunition safely, but in a way that you don’t like. (“Unsafe storage”)
  • I have standard-capacity, unsabotaged cartridge magazines for certain handguns and rifles.
  • I lend a handgun to a spouse, family member or friend who is also on your watchlist (has a licence), unless I get your permission first.

I know we have decades of statistics showing that lawful firearm owners are much safer than the general population. But let’s keep pretending it’s the opposite.

If it’s not too much to ask, I hope you and the government can work together to find new guns to take away from me, new private information to extract from me, new regulations for me to comply with, and new procedures for me to obey.

The tighter you squeeze, the safer I feel.

Yours sincerely,
2.2 Million Canadian Men and Women

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