Hoplotheists Need a Religious Exemption From the Firearms Act

Canada accommodates people of all religions, except Hoplotheists1, members of the Church of Pew-Pewphilia. Read the main tenets of Hoplotheism below, then take the poll.


The RCMP reminded gun owners yesterday that Canada creates policy exemptions to help people practice their religion when laws and regulations might restrict them. Hutterites don’t need photo ID, Sikhs get to carry daggers.

But Hoplotheists are oppressed. We are fierce patriots who respect the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, and the Firearms Act violates the Charter as concerns us. It discriminates against us as an identifiable group and prohibits our religious practices.

We need a religious exemption from the Firearms Act. (Sound like a stretch? Maybe, but some of us are prepared to donate funds for a test case. Is there a lawyer in the house?)


Name of Deity

  • Great Universal Nature Spirit (GUNS)

Prime Directive

  • I shoot, therefore I am.

Attitudes to Sex

  • Orientation: Ammosexual.
  • Fascination: Cold hammer-forged barrels.
  • Attraction: Short-stroking the pump.
  • Obsession: Grabbing the buttstock and fingering the trigger.
  • Compulsion: Pulling the trigger until the gun runs dry.

Holy Trinity (Main Prophets)

  • Jeff Cooper
  • Rex Applegate
  • Miyamoto Musashi

Sacred 12 Gauge (Main Saints)

  • Bartolomeo Beretta
  • John Browning
  • Samuel Colt
  • John Garand
  • Gaston Glock
  • Edmund Heckler
  • Mikhail Kalashnikov
  • Theodor Koch
  • Paul Mauser
  • Dieudonné Saive
  • Eugene Stoner
  • Carl Walther

Four Great Commandments

  • Always treat all pew-pews as if they are loaded.
  • Never point a pew-pew at anything you aren’t prepared to destroy.
  • Always keep your finger off the trigger until your sights are on target and you have decided to shoot.
  • Always be sure of your target and what is beyond it.

Three Divine Recommendations

  • Always carry at least one pew-pew, and train in its use.
  • Always keep all pew-pews loaded and ready, unless you have good reasons not to. (E.g.: maintenance, impaired judgment, risk of misuse by children or adults.)
  • Always remember that the pew-pew isn’t the weapon, the user is the weapon.

“Our Pew-Pew” (Main Prayer)

  • Our Pew-Pew, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy muzzle velocity. We recognize only one Pew-Pew, revealed on earth in many forms. We promise to train often and to raise our children to respect the Pew-Pew. May you, O Great Pew-Pew, be forever available, accessible and affordable, may our ammo never run out, may our range fees and hunting permits be cheap. Give us this day our daily Pew-Pew, and forgive us our misses, as we forgive those who shoot loud pew-pews next to us. O Heavenly Pew-Pew, may all our bullets be bullseyes, may our pew-pews never jam, and may we never hear click instead of bang. Amen. P.S. Could you please repeal the Firearms Act.

Two Sacred Scriptures (Excerpts)

  • Everyone has the following fundamental freedoms: freedom of conscience and religion; freedom of thought, belief, opinion and expression, including freedom of the press and other media of communication. Everyone has the right to life, liberty and security of the person and the right not to be deprived thereof except in accordance with the principles of fundamental justice. (Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms, 1982)
  • A well-armed citizenry, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to buy, sell, trade, own, obtain, possess, shoot, transport, store and carry pew-pews shall not be infringed, especially in Canada. (Inspired by U.S. Constitution, Second Amendment, 1791)

Days of Worship

  • Any are accepted, all are recommended.

Places of Worship

  • Often called “Target Range,” “Shooting Club,” “Wildlife Management Unit,” and “Crown Land.”

Respect for Equality and Rights

  • All pew-pews are equal and all pew-pews are special.
  • We oppose all discrimination on the basis of calibre, function, appearance, color, ancestry, country of origin, size, barrel length, overall length or trigger weight.

Legal Action

  • We are preparing a legal challenge of the many laws and regulations that discriminate against pew-pews on grounds of ancestry, origin, appearance and size. For example: All generations of AK-47, and some pew-pews that look like AK-47s, have been classified as “Prohibited.” Most black pew-pews are “Restricted” or “Prohibited.” The Glock 26 gets a double whammy: classified as “Prohibited” because it’s black and has a tiny barrel.

Motion M-308

  • Motion M-103, the anti-Islamophobia motion, was such an inspiration that we plan to initiate an anti-Hoplophobia motion, M-308.

Most-Dreaded Expression (Used Only by Infidels)

  • “Unload and show clear.”

  1. “Hoplotheism” is a riff off Jeff Cooper’s neologism for the irrational fear of weapons, “hoplophobia.”